Immovable

Immovable

25 October 2013

Lord, help me deal with difficult people at work today. For some comfort, let me remind myself that i may also be the one whose difficult for them to handle. But more so, bless us with the wisdom that it is not who is and who is not, rather of what we can give to make things better. As for me, i can only be accountable with what i do. If i must extend patience, help me do it with a whole heart.

let me acknowledge and submit to the truth that i cannot, by my own force, move a rock mountain. i can only keep pushing to grow strong. and with that strength, i am to deal difficulty with gentleness.

Sunset

Sunset


a day comes to a close.the heat cools, the noise muted. a brief moment when heaven meets the earth.

Postpaid

Postpaid

23 October 2013

I signed up yesterday for Smart's Freedom Plan. i did because of cost efficiency consideration. It's a P450 per month on prepaid versus P250 on postpaid. while i was filling up the form and getting in touch with the Sales Personnel in-charge, I cant help but feel the jitters down to my elbows. This may sound overrated but really I have my reasons, two major reasons in fact. One, is letting go and the other is getting hitched.

I have gone accustomed to my old prepaid sim, I like the number as it is easy to remember and it has a sentimental value in a special way. When I entered into "the land of the giants", taking on my new job assignment way back 2010, it has been my "weapon" and it has been a loyal companion ever since. And i think it has grown on me and it is now hard to let it go. Plus the fact that we are together yet I am not committed to it. As it is prepaid, I can just load it at my convenience. No worries on bad credit records and due dates.

Letting go is really not my cup of tea. and I take comfort in some sense knowing that I am not a rare case. For most people letting go is truly not easy. and the more one is able to master it, the wiser she becomes. but the process is relatively long and inconvenient. And for some, as I fear I might be, adjusting to change is unthinkable. But my response is important, else ill be stuck and growing will be long and unproductive. over comfort, I desire growth and maturity. That can be the only way for me to fulfill my dream of living a full life, free from regrets. in doing so, I must learn and act on what I have learned that letting go is part of metamorphosis. I may not end up to be a beautiful butterfly, but most certainly, I will fly lighter and more free - without the baggage of comfort.

Going to postpaid, ill be subjecting myself to exposure. Submitting my application entails me to share personal information to some unknown strangers who will be processing it. I am not really very good with "opening up" most especially to strangers. And most of all, ill be subjecting myself to a contract. ill be forced to get out of my convenient comfort and to meet the terms and conditions I signed into. while that is something I have to deal with later on, i am not exactly very prepared for it right now. I tell myself benefit outweighs the cost that's why i must allow myself to endure this discomfort to get a higher benefit.

What started as a simple consideration of budget options turned out to be a great revelation for me, of who I am and what are my fears. I consider this grace from the Lord allowing me to ponder on these things as I deepen my relationship with Him at this point in my life wherein I am once again trying to ask Him where He is leading me. The journey has been at times nerve wrecking and I have come to articulate where are those fears coming from. In my fear of letting go and in committing myself, I am delaying God's work in my life. this is not to say that I completely do not trust Him. it's just that in order to fully surrender I must overcome the obstacles. now that I see them, I need to rest in confidence that the joy in following the Lord far outweighs the pain of detaching myself from my comfort zones.
　

Significance

Significance

22 October 2013

Bohol continues to shake. Lives take on new beginnings. What was hidden beneath daily routines, now takes shape as awakenings.

A man goes to work everyday to feed his family. Tilling the farm, enduring the scorching heat of the sun. Each day that opens, closes with a silent passing. Years turned, muscles worn-out, age became a sole mark of a life that has been. Enthusiasm grows thin as the number of mouths to feed increases.

Small for his age, feeble and frail, walks to school with an empty stomach, worn out slippers and blank head. the ten-year old boy who can be mistaken for a seven, spends the day walking - back and forth, in the morning and in the mid afternoon. such a heavy thought as heavy lids are forced to open to start up the day. and it goes on and on endlessly.

Get a life!

29 July 2013

5:55PM

Get a life!

I rarely write these days. That is if writing in my journal counts. For authentic literary work, as my minute knowledge on the subject matter would permit, I could honestly say that I have not had one in almost three years. I’d be glad to divulge had it been that I was off to some unknown mountain on a mission or have gotten married and pregnant and was caught up with life in a hurly breeze. But even those would surely pass for great topics to write about. And here I am grasping for some reason to make the absence valid. I have always mentally taken note of what needs to be done to keep the craft going and the juice flowing. After all, I am a perpetual writer aspirant. Read. Explore. Live. And read some more.  

However, these days, my only interaction with the real world is what takes place between my jeepney ride in the mornings, the email parade, the shrill ring of the phone crying for attention every 10 minutes and the race to community activities in the evenings. So late, when all is finished, I am dead as log between my sheets. And the routine goes on until I woke up there years later J I can’t and I won’t complain about my life. It may sound dead boring and mechanical but I purposely omitted the details of the fulfilment I get every time I come home dead tired but so happy I got to waste it on by serving the Lord’s Kingdom. That one I hope to write in full detail on another topic. This one I wish to share how my writing creativity was put on a still and how a simple article from a Sunday paper stirred me to dream again. Even that statement is wrong by itself.  To be a writer takes more than a dream, you have to write. But anyways, everything starts from a dream and so you’ll have to excuse me. 

In celebration of PhilStar’s 27^th year, they commissioned Pen Dalisay, one of my favourite columnists, to contribute to the readers 27 tips he can give to aspiring writers. And this one caught me. Get a life.Of course, there can be no other more practical tip than this one.  And ironically, this one I find so hard to accomplish as of the moment. Perhaps because, life, as I so define it currently, would mean conquering Mt. Apo, getting a driver’s license and enlisting for next year’s Mangima Offroad challenge. I swear, just thinking about it makes my heart go wild and sweet. A girl can dream wild sometimes, you know. Then, finding my paternal grandfather who my father last saw when he was young and newly married at 21. Today I’ll be 33 in November. Long shot, huh? Then, I’d be totally so cool if I’ll learn a sport. Before I believe I can have a shot of being an iron man but sadly I admit, I’ll try my luck with dance sport instead. In rarer times now than when I was 26, I still dream my calendar will be full of outdoor adventure and thrill fun. That goes, even if, for a long time passing I have already known and accepted that I am really more of the indoor type. Like, coffee and a good book will truly be heaven for me any weekend I’m allowed to have it free. Ah, I feel so old reminiscing my bucket list content. Time ticks and I need a quick fix. But, as told and agreed, there is no short cuts in life. And to most who defied nature, they either live or die.  Ouch! Today, I surely wanna be on the breathing side of the fence.  

So, there! Practically I am without what I can put together and describe blissfully as living THE life. I merely have my random thoughts, my daily work routine and the incessant desire to create something. I still hold on firmly to my belief that someday I can nail one legitimate write up and it’ll pass for a milestone. While that is a dream yet to be realized, I can continue living the dream, living the life. Today, I am pounding my keyboard, life springs from a heart to a set of words. Hopefully, to tell some invisible readers out there that anyone can dream and every once in a while gets stirred up by some random Sunday paper write up. In a while, I will ride the jeepney again and I’ll be home to a family who nurtures with warmth and acceptance. To them, I need not be in the paper nor in some mountain top to earn their love.  Just to be home every day, safe and hungry, receiving a welcome hug and a hearty laugh over some trivial tricks of the family dog is enough. The invisible bond keeps me alive. To them and to the few, whom I get to say hi and hello every so often when I get to work, or when I get to hang out with friends, I exist and is alive. To the caller on the telephone who desperately needs anyone to answer just so he can say out of desperation than of need, what a lousy service provider we are. To that person I am the relief. And how my heart aches when he won’t call me back anymore when his internet is back. It’s a tiresome and thankless job at times but mostly, a secret smile forms in my head when all is well, at the end of the day. To a colleague who needs a listening ear just so she can express all frustrations and woes she has had all these years, I may just be the angel sent at the moment. Of course that’s not true, but when it’s my turn to vent out, I realize each of us is an angel sent from above.  

The smile of a stranger, the story of a friend, the laughter over a silly joke, these and more truly makes me say, I do have a life. And it’s one worth living and writing about.

on being lost and finding life

29 July 2013

3:51PM

“I’m lost. I’m totally lost”. The words of Billy Crawford when asked what happened to him and girlfriend Nikki Gil on their rumored break-up. Not much of a showbiz fan but something in a man pouring out his heart on national TV admitting he is lost and needs to rediscover the things that make him happy caught my attention. Lately, I’ve been feeling quite lost in some ways.

For the past three years I’ve been allowing myself to delve deeper into my work and service. Modesty aside, I believe I have grown to become the best office assistant in the company where I work in and the most reliable secretary in our little district of the Community I belong to. I did so because I have no doubt it was my calling and people depended on me. My very nature is to respond to people’s needs around me. I am nowhere near a Mother Theresa but I could swear a need unattended to, is like a piece of meat caught in between my teeth. I have to pull it off, else it will haunt my sleep.  To top it all, knowing that people would be happier with me around, that already is a slice of paradise for me. Day by day, my self worth has gotten dependent on people’s reaction towards my so called nobility.  One Sunday spent at home with the heavy downpour, no messages received in my phone, no activities to attend to, no calls from my boss that needs my immediate attention and no urgent assignment to finish made me feel somewhat lost. I was at home, the very place I was crying out to be for the past few months when corporate demands got the best of me and yet I felt a surge of panic that I was not someplace else doing productive things. I miss out on being with family, truly being present and being home. And I also still feel like sneaking behind a deadline which I am not even aware of yet. It’s weird but it’s real. If I am not the office assistant, who will I be? If I am not the Pastoral Leader, what will I be? If I am not responding to something, what use will I be? Rest and space at that point did not even feel good. I felt I didn’t deserve it. I was getting restless in a moment of rest.

That point in my life made me aware that I have allowed myself to keep going without taking short stops to see things on bigger perspective. I have allowed my hands to keep working without being creative. I have allowed my brains to draft solutions without imagination. I have labored without love. Or so I am in the brink of doing so. And before I get to such point downhill, I am allowed to trek on a steep curve to struggle, to sense an off-path direction so I’d get to re-evaluate my position and keep going on track. Life is full. I am to live it, love it and learn from it. I am given the opportunity to laugh, to dream, to dance and to love. Life is too colorful to paint it in plain black and white. Relationships are too simple to complicate it with do’s and don’ts.  The very first person I need to reach out to and offer a helping hand is myself. I forgot to greet her in the morning and cheer her up; to remind her that her very existence is enough, no need for frivolous acts of heroism to matter. That she is loved and to love is as authentic as a simple smile. The universe is my home. The people around me are God’s tangible presence to remind me that I exist and I matter.

And the only way to be truly found is to live life to its full. After all, isn’t it why there is you and me, here today? Cheers to dreams and hurts, to victories and defeats, to life and death. Each is equally important; each a divine gift. Today, I found my way.

sporadic

i am sick. i recently acquired a dreaded disease and it's called chronic sporadic.

one day i am flying high with euphoria, the next day i am sulking in distress.
one minute my head is bursting with ideas, the moment next i am totally blank.
one second i worry to the extreme, the next snap i get numb of caring less.

the more i am aware of my condition, the more exasperated  i'd get.
focus has become so fleeting at the very time i need it most.
i have a career to keep flying (char!dili man gud ga-take off hehehe),
a family to spend more quality time (truly).
and community service i keep failing at (there is still so big a room to grow).
i have the time, the energy and inspiration yet i lose balance because of my constant shifts.
this is not an insanity case. blah! does this come with age? i thought that one is called wisdom.
right now, i am nowhere near that category. is this lack of sense of accomplishment? hmmm...hold it right there! i might be pressing the right button here so i better keep going before i will lose this insight again :(

i wanted so many things to happen in my life. yet, before i could even take off, i count too long to realize that they are so impossible and i let them go. instantly. to get my feet back on the ground and start afresh, i moved along to simpler things i want to have in life. then years fly so fast, and i found myself not achieving enough - even with the simpler things i wanted in life. this can't be, i tell myself. then i go back to the impossibles for some dose of endorphins enough to get me excited and put my acts together and start moving again. really moving. even writing this makes me tired and want to move along to other things. huh! now you see where i am coming from and where this is going. i wish to leave with you a lesson or two but i have none. that is not even surprising. what good can there be out from gibberish talk and swaying thoughts?

risk. fear or courage.
adventure. seek or hide.
solution. implement or conform.
create. plan or make.
love. take or give.

random thoughts from a wellspring of dreams and aspirations. tick tock.
ten starts counting with one. a journey begins with a step. i gotta move. time flies so fast.
i cannot and can never have them all. perhaps, it is best and wise, to take it one at a time. finish the race and keep going before i begin another one. aim for the finish line. to keep one track and keep going. consider anything else mere distraction.

what am i racing for again? duh!

i am really not making any sense, am i? it's okay, told you i am sick ;)

disconnect

i was having a fun time weekend with friends so close i consider as my second family when i felt a strong nudge within - something was amiss.

i was there but not really present.
i was laughing but not really happy.
i was at home but did not feel welcomed. by my very own self.

love is a constant thing to work at. so many times i knew i had it. and i am living by it. to me, it's never a mystery but is a reality. and that reality i breathe in and out every day. that day was  no exemption. i was supposedly basking in an ocean of love surrounding me. i almost felt panic creeping over me when i couldn't point a finger on what was happening to me. i was distant. disconnected.

turning my panic into prayer, i called on to the Lord for His word. "love in spite of..."

my love was incomplete. it was conditional. the love i had was because i deserved it. and when other people refused to love me in return by rejecting my friendship, seeking more than what i can give and excluding me in their lives, i did not care. when it was difficult, i stopped. when it required to give more, i gave up. and i did not want to be bothered by it because i felt i had enough. enough to make a room for myself and my pride.

but happiness is never complete when love is exclusive. because i was not full, i failed to be whole and present to those who built a home for me. even for my very self. in the middle of laughter and friendship, i became an alien to my own happiness. i lost it the moment i claimed it mine, all mine. i lost it when i failed to give it away. i was exactly where i should be, and i understood. but more than understanding, i am supposed to give. love was never mine in the first place. it was a precious gift given to me, not because i deserved it but because i was in need of it. that was the only way for me to live. and i stopped living the moment i stopped loving. for real. that point, that disconnect directed me towards this truth.