a repost from Lent of 2014.
*********************************************************************************
Pain & Jealousy
Wednesday,
April 30, 2014
1:03 PM
I spent Lent
reflecting on Pain. I ended April -(springtime) with a snap on Jealousy.
Reflecting on pain
caused me to fear that the Lord may lead me to a life of single blessedness.
Fear, or should I
say dread, clouded my vision of faith. Instead of trusting in the Lord and
recalling all His graces unto me, I got narrow sighted and fixated on my false
knowledge of the Lord - that He is one to cause pain and pain alone.
Pain perhaps was a
way to show me that the path of obedience - to the (community) way of life I
was called entails pain. It is not one of smooth and bump-free ride. It is not
"only until it is all fine and sunny". It has to be all the way - in victory
and in pain. But I took it differently instead. In my resistance towards pain
and suffering, I became the lord of my life by securing all possible measures
to ensure my "safety". Even to the point of declaring singleness
while there is time to save face and acquire applause for a noble choice. I do
not want to grow old and single and having to deal with my imaginary audience
explaining the whys and hows. Or so, even, I am afraid that my own reflection
will ask me one day - where your choices have led you? And so before that can happen, I wanted an
insurance policy. Like playing the game of chess, I used up my mind to work out
strategies to check mate. I forgot I am not a chess player with a sharp mind. I
am a woman in need of her God.
Today's (apr 30)
reflection of the WAU pointed out the Sadducees' jealousy that blinded their
vision and clouded their judgment. Instead of praising God for their own gift,
they curse God's work by coveting other people's goodness. In the same manner,
I find myself in the same situation. I am slow to recognize the jealousy
building up in me as I witness one couple after the other, in fast progression,
wed in the altar before us. Friends and community brethren enter into
relationships, undergo marriage preparations, get married and raise their young
children right before my eyes. Their blessings, though I witness with happiness
for them , secretly caused my heart to question the Lord's plan for my life.
Today, I am still not even 100% certain that He will bless me the life I so
desired - to be a wife and mother. There are no guarantees, no insurance
policies. But I guess that is what they call faith. To believe in the unseen,
to trust in the unknown.
where your choices
have led you? This is me asking myself. Today.
Well, for one, it
has led me to a life of discipleship. Every day I wake up, get up and live my
life just the way how it is. And in that every single day, I am (and will be)
thanking God for His generosity and mercy. I am nothing and yet I am given
everything - life in its fullness.
Second, to a
love-filled life. The love and acceptance I enjoy every day from my family is
comforting and nurturing. This time of my life I am able to devote my time to
people who love me and care for me. And I have the time to care for each in
return. I am once again reminded never to waste any single moment as like
everything else, this too may pass. Before the next season comes along, I am to
be present to the here and now. It will be a waste spending a day wishing on
for tomorrow.
Third and last. It
has led me to waiting. A special time of being pruned and groomed. Waiting is
never easy and comfortable. While I wait I am often tempted to get restless and
do insignificant things to divert my focus. However, on the other side of the
coin, waiting can be a very precious opportunity to train and learn- while
keeping in place my focus. The main goal is God, not me. It is one very
difficult discipline to master. Waiting is God's gift for me to master it
before my next assignment. Else, I will be one lousy disciple. Either married
or single, lousy is no cool.
I am Roms. Single
and cool :)
