disconnect

i was having a fun time weekend with friends so close i consider as my second family when i felt a strong nudge within - something was amiss.

i was there but not really present.
i was laughing but not really happy.
i was at home but did not feel welcomed. by my very own self.

love is a constant thing to work at. so many times i knew i had it. and i am living by it. to me, it's never a mystery but is a reality. and that reality i breathe in and out every day. that day was  no exemption. i was supposedly basking in an ocean of love surrounding me. i almost felt panic creeping over me when i couldn't point a finger on what was happening to me. i was distant. disconnected.

turning my panic into prayer, i called on to the Lord for His word. "love in spite of..."

my love was incomplete. it was conditional. the love i had was because i deserved it. and when other people refused to love me in return by rejecting my friendship, seeking more than what i can give and excluding me in their lives, i did not care. when it was difficult, i stopped. when it required to give more, i gave up. and i did not want to be bothered by it because i felt i had enough. enough to make a room for myself and my pride.

but happiness is never complete when love is exclusive. because i was not full, i failed to be whole and present to those who built a home for me. even for my very self. in the middle of laughter and friendship, i became an alien to my own happiness. i lost it the moment i claimed it mine, all mine. i lost it when i failed to give it away. i was exactly where i should be, and i understood. but more than understanding, i am supposed to give. love was never mine in the first place. it was a precious gift given to me, not because i deserved it but because i was in need of it. that was the only way for me to live. and i stopped living the moment i stopped loving. for real. that point, that disconnect directed me towards this truth.