29 July 2013
3:51PM
“I’m lost. I’m totally lost”. The words of Billy Crawford when asked
what happened to him and girlfriend Nikki Gil on their rumored break-up. Not
much of a showbiz fan but something in a man pouring out his heart on national
TV admitting he is lost and needs to rediscover the things that make him happy
caught my attention. Lately, I’ve been feeling quite lost in some ways.
For the past three years I’ve been allowing myself to delve deeper into
my work and service. Modesty aside, I believe I have grown to become the best office
assistant in the company where I work in and the most reliable secretary in our
little district of the Community I belong to. I did so because I have no doubt
it was my calling and people depended on me. My very nature is to respond to people’s
needs around me. I am nowhere near a Mother Theresa but I could swear a need unattended
to, is like a piece of meat caught in between my teeth. I have to pull it off, else
it will haunt my sleep. To top it all,
knowing that people would be happier with me around, that already is a slice of
paradise for me. Day by day, my self worth has gotten dependent on people’s
reaction towards my so called nobility. One
Sunday spent at home with the heavy downpour, no messages received in my phone,
no activities to attend to, no calls from my boss that needs my immediate
attention and no urgent assignment to finish made me feel somewhat lost. I was
at home, the very place I was crying out to be for the past few months when
corporate demands got the best of me and yet I felt a surge of panic that I was
not someplace else doing productive things. I miss out on being with family,
truly being present and being home. And I also still feel like sneaking behind
a deadline which I am not even aware of yet. It’s weird but it’s real. If I am
not the office assistant, who will I be? If I am not the Pastoral Leader, what
will I be? If I am not responding to something, what use will I be? Rest and
space at that point did not even feel good. I felt I didn’t deserve it. I was
getting restless in a moment of rest.
That point in my life made me aware that I have allowed myself to keep
going without taking short stops to see things on bigger perspective. I have
allowed my hands to keep working without being creative. I have allowed my
brains to draft solutions without imagination. I have labored without love. Or
so I am in the brink of doing so. And before I get to such point downhill, I am
allowed to trek on a steep curve to struggle, to sense an off-path direction so
I’d get to re-evaluate my position and keep going on track. Life is full. I am
to live it, love it and learn from it. I am given the opportunity to laugh, to
dream, to dance and to love. Life is too colorful to paint it in plain black
and white. Relationships are too simple to complicate it with do’s and don’ts. The very first person I need to reach out to
and offer a helping hand is myself. I forgot to greet her in the morning and
cheer her up; to remind her that her very existence is enough, no need for frivolous
acts of heroism to matter. That she is loved and to love is as authentic as a
simple smile. The universe is my home. The people around me are God’s tangible presence
to remind me that I exist and I matter.
And the only way to be truly found is to live life to its full. After
all, isn’t it why there is you and me, here today? Cheers to dreams and hurts,
to victories and defeats, to life and death. Each is equally important; each a
divine gift. Today, I found my way.
No comments:
Post a Comment