of fears and failures

The story about the prophet Elijah allowed me to take a look about my own fears and how they affect my life. When he came into hiding in a cave wishing to die out of fear and failure, the Lord kept drawing him out. Twice the Lord asked "Elijah, what are you doing here?"

So many times in my life I am afraid. Afraid to live and take risks. Afraid to laugh and cry as much. Afraid to love and be responsible. At some point, my fears manifest physically causing me chest pains and feeble knees. On a daily basis, in the context of work, I am afraid to be the one to report the bad news to the boss, to enforce a required overtime work to my colleagues, to take calls and receive audience of very irate (and insulting) clients, to click the send button of an email reply expressing my arguments and a lot of other things, mostly having to deal with people. I am afraid to commit mistakes and to be judged accordingly. I am afraid to fail. It's hard to make a decision when fear becomes a factor. Easier said than done but true, always I need to be objective. A few breathing exercise and counting to ten before I act helps. But what really puts everything in perspective is holding on to the truths that:

• I am not alone. I work with a team and a direct head who backs me up. When a problem gets too difficult to handle, I can always tap on the wisdom from more experienced colleagues and from the authority of a boss who has the capability to resolve concerns.

• Being right is the greatest defense. Without having to be imposing and arrogant, the message can get across. So long as I did my part and stood by it, I can accept insults without guilt. In the end, I shall be vindicated.

• Support from colleagues is a great source of confidence. When you can laugh off a truly bad day (and close to impossible pressures) with the rest of your team mates, everything becomes bearable. And the next day won't be so bad after all.

On more personal matters, concerning the heart and soul, the same truths apply. On my darkest days, when I go in hiding, the greatest truth that has always drew me out is God's unrelenting presence in my life. My favorite part of the verse is "And after the fire there was the soft whisper of a voice." That voice has never stopped encouraging me to keep going.

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1 Kings 19: 9-13. Elijah, one of my favorite Bible characters after reading Paulo Coelho's adaptation of the prophet's life in his book The Fifth Mountain.