Life without Joy

I am a creature of habit. I follow the same route. I eat the same food. I use the same shampoo. Anything off track gets me uneasy. Especially when I am not prepped up for it. I won't say I am a mission impossible but a willing work in progress. It took me years to understand my psychological make up, more to synergize with it. I've had my bad days but most often I am content and able to live life to the full. Relatively, of course.

For almost 10 years, working has been so much bearable and comfortable having a mentor, a big sister and a friend backing me up every step of the way.  Joy and I were classmates in College. When graduation came in 2001, she came to work in one of the telecommunications companies here in the City while I stayed on the same College we went to. After my full time volunteer work for CYA, I was invited to join their team in 2005. Through her recommendation (and of another classmate who resigned from the post), I got  the job. Since day one at work, Joy has never left me gawking  my way in to the corporate world. She introduced me to people, systems and routines essential to what we do. I was an Applied Math major with inclination for administrative work trying to fit into the Marketing Department in  charge of advertising DSL product. Everyday I was living in raw fear. But with Joy beside me, I learned tremendously. I learned not to back down when fires are thrown straight at you or even behind your back. Your best defense is what you know, how well you know it and how to execute it. It was a tough place, but together, we overcome a lot of difficult days. We would laugh at how we tagged ourselves as Joy and Romi, the team to beat. About the same time, the company, had to deal with a lot of changes. The change created fears over security and tenure. Finally, when it came down to it, 2009 we had a new company name, new management. Fortunately not one is lost. Essentially, between the two of us, Joy & Romi continued to strive. Not for long. In 2010, Marketing was dissolved and we were asked to move down to the 2nd floor. That meant goodbye to "our" floor, our home for 5 years. Moving down also meant I will be transferred to Customer Service and Joy will be in Sales. That change was abrupt. After a good cry over it we simply moved on. We did not consider ourselves to be casualties of acquisition. What we learned we continued to use in our new assignments. Finally in 2011, we started working together again. Different assignments but reporting to one boss. And just like how it was in our earlier days, we continued to combine our gifts and abilities to gain the best results. And we loved to work and of course getting the best results :) Together.

Our partnership continued to grow. Like school girls who never ran out of stories to share, we continued to meet for lunch and meetings, every single day. We exchange ideas to solve our problems at work while we exchange stories of our personal lives from the essential to nonsense. We would laugh, giggle and cry. Well, I cry and she would put on a sad face (Joy doesn't cry. It's a real success if I get to have a tear or two from her). Each of us became a family member of the other. When I was sick and hospitalized for the first time, Joy was at the ER filling up forms for my admission. When I was taken blood sample, another first time, Joy was there at my bedside giving me encouragement. From her I learned the practical means to take care of my family. Joy taught me a lot like a big sister would to her naïve little sister. She would patiently listen to my rants and wants. And she was even more patient with me when my crazy days would come around, when I don’t want to be with anybody. But more to these, what we truly share is our faith. We do not have the same religion but we share the same love for God. I will always admire her radical faith. In all our conversations, never did it pass without having acknowledged the presence of God in our lives. To me, that bond will always be priceless.

Effective Sept 15, 2014, Joy will no longer be there when I come in for work. She (and her husband) resigned from work to respond to God's call for them to full time ministry. As early as 2 months back, I was prepared for this already. But no amount of preparation will shield me from missing my friend. I've had countless lunches without Joy, but tomorrow will be totally different. An empty chair, a silent conversation, an email "are you there?" that will never get a reply. For a long, long time.

would be nice to have one like this ;)

Traditional Home Office by Baltimore Interior Designers & Decorators Stony Run Home

of fears and failures

The story about the prophet Elijah allowed me to take a look about my own fears and how they affect my life. When he came into hiding in a cave wishing to die out of fear and failure, the Lord kept drawing him out. Twice the Lord asked "Elijah, what are you doing here?"

So many times in my life I am afraid. Afraid to live and take risks. Afraid to laugh and cry as much. Afraid to love and be responsible. At some point, my fears manifest physically causing me chest pains and feeble knees. On a daily basis, in the context of work, I am afraid to be the one to report the bad news to the boss, to enforce a required overtime work to my colleagues, to take calls and receive audience of very irate (and insulting) clients, to click the send button of an email reply expressing my arguments and a lot of other things, mostly having to deal with people. I am afraid to commit mistakes and to be judged accordingly. I am afraid to fail. It's hard to make a decision when fear becomes a factor. Easier said than done but true, always I need to be objective. A few breathing exercise and counting to ten before I act helps. But what really puts everything in perspective is holding on to the truths that:

• I am not alone. I work with a team and a direct head who backs me up. When a problem gets too difficult to handle, I can always tap on the wisdom from more experienced colleagues and from the authority of a boss who has the capability to resolve concerns.

• Being right is the greatest defense. Without having to be imposing and arrogant, the message can get across. So long as I did my part and stood by it, I can accept insults without guilt. In the end, I shall be vindicated.

• Support from colleagues is a great source of confidence. When you can laugh off a truly bad day (and close to impossible pressures) with the rest of your team mates, everything becomes bearable. And the next day won't be so bad after all.

On more personal matters, concerning the heart and soul, the same truths apply. On my darkest days, when I go in hiding, the greatest truth that has always drew me out is God's unrelenting presence in my life. My favorite part of the verse is "And after the fire there was the soft whisper of a voice." That voice has never stopped encouraging me to keep going.

=============================================================================================

1 Kings 19: 9-13. Elijah, one of my favorite Bible characters after reading Paulo Coelho's adaptation of the prophet's life in his book The Fifth Mountain. 

in sickness and in health

I almost got knocked down with a cold this weekend. thank God and Webster(?) the word "almost" was invented & compiled. I was feeling extra tired as the week came to an end. Saturday morning, my nose is dripping like a leaking faucet and my throat hurt robbing me off the sleep my body wanted. Requesting prayers from my *women's group and taking in extra dosage of Vitamin C, I went on with the weekend as much energy as I could muster. The whole time, I kept praying I won't get sick. There's just a lot of things to do. Praying led me to appreciating the value of good health and taking care of the body. When the body is well and healthy, it can do a lot of things. The body can praise its Creator, serve its fellowmen and do more work it is required to do. The work that the body does also says a lot of the condition of the heart that compels its actions.

I just sent off an email to complete today's work. A few more hours Sunday will be over and another week begins. I honor the day by looking back and thanking God for a weekend fully lived. Did the laundry, monitored operations at work, lunch with Mamang on a clear Saturday, picked up the Chopsuey on my way, celebrated the *Lord's Day with brothers and sisters, enjoyed more laughs and helpful input for our *state of life, met friends of friends, enjoyed Sunday morning without the rush, went to Church for mass, had lunch with *Kaina, attended the *branch assembly, went home early before the sun came down, completed work on time and a few extra time to do this blog :)

because i am called to do more, i need a healthy body to help me do more. and i will keep working at it.

stay healthy everyone!

============================================================================================

*A few jargons:

Women's  Group - a support group we have in the community - Ang Kahayag sa Diyos (KSD). We are a group of 7 single women who meet weekly to support one another in our growth as Christians.

Lord's Day - a celebration we do  on Saturdays to set aside the concerns of the week and thank God for all His graces.

State of life - a discernment process we went through to know which state the Lord is calling us to live, either religious, single blessedness or married.

Kaina - a totally talented and faithful sister from our Women's Group

Branch Assembly (of KSD) - held every 1st Sunday of the month where we gather to worship, hear God's message through the prophecies and sharings from the brothers and sisters.

=============================================================================================

Something that helps me a lot.

Fresh Kalamansi extract every morning before I take in anything. 12-14 pieces of medium-sized, green kalamansi, sliced and squeezed fresh. i learned this health tip from the sisters in one of our women's activities and I've been taking them for 5 months now. So far it's been very helpful for my health. Aside from the tangy taste to the mouth, no hyper-acidity has been acquired since then ;) 

friday fuss

hi there!

it's a special friday. the end of the work week and the beginning of a new month.

i've been thinking about it yesterday and i wanted i little ritual to welcome what's up ahead. and then wham! i woke up sore and heavy. my mind kept screaming "get up roms! get up!" then my eyelids got extra sticky i wanted some superpower to break them open. my limbs fell limp and sore. particularly my legs felt like lifeless logs just wanting to roll without effort. if only. it took a mother's persuasion to get me out of bed. the rest is a list of routine to set off the day. moving forward, i'm now here in front of my computer ready to roll with a blank head and a long list of to dos. God help me.

well, since i'm here now and should be here, i might as well give it my best shot. in spite of the malaise working its way through my back and to the rest of my body, i have to keep moving. some days it could be tough for the heart. some days challenging for the brains. today, my body wants to stay asleep and go to rest. but today, the will must be stronger and the faith bolder. how else can i possibly work on becoming a faithful servant. gotta give.

photo alignment trial #2

still very new to this. i wish to be able to tell the story behind the photos and i want to show the photos in the most beautiful way possible. today, this will do for a beginner who just stumbled upon this topic today.

photo alignment trial

how i wish this was so simple. for me at least :( i am still dazzled over the html codes i totally did not get it. but i will keep trying. both in taking pictures, learning to edit and blogging for me and you.

well, for all it's worth, this has been fun and a great way to bust some stress ;)

li'l creativity

hi there!

let me share with you here some of my stress busters. when life gets too stuffy with pressures all around me, i took comfort being lost in a creative world where freedom is the only rule.

hope you will enjoy them as much as i did :)

when there is too little

on my way to the office, i stopped by the ATM to get my pay. It's payday! :)
i never outgrew the sensation i have every time i stand before the money machine keying in my pin and waiting to see how much i have to live with for the next 15 days. today is no exception. oh the thrill! ;)
most often, i get what i expect. just enough means to live by. and the next 2 weeks will be spent creatively on budgeting and praying :D the blessing of an earned income has led me to even more appreciate the following 3 gifts in my life.

my work.
it's both a gift and a responsibility. the work that i have hones my skills, improves my capabilities and forms my character. how i respond to challenges and deal with people has helped me a lot in my personal and community growth. by God's grace i am able to put into practice what my training gave me during my formative years. plus, the work pays the bills and other needs.

my family.
it's always a joy to be able to spend for the family. it may not be too often and too plenty, still the delight in my heart to share and afford food and stuffs for the home and family is priceless. having the family huddle together before the tube enjoying a good dvd movie and a cup of our favorite ice cream is truly pure joy.

my community.
community building work is said to be pricey - in time, talent and treasure. but the joy and fulfillment is even more valuable. and it certainly wouldn't hurt if you can share a pie of pizza or a birthday cake when the group are all in. oh the laughter and precious moments. priceless.

when i walked away from that ATM machine this morning and done with the "flexible" budget, the faith exercise begins anew. give what is due to the Lord and to His people, the rest is simply relying on His providence. in my 13 years of toiling, not one need has been left unaided. i never had too little. i only have enough and more of priceless joy no money can buy.

this girl will keep walking onward

this was originally just a post on a picture i was playing with in a photo editing software.

today, a day before July closes, my heart breaks for a seemingly unending challenge prevailing in the workplace. it seems like there's no end to keep pushing for more. close to my breaking point, i couldn't help but to recognize the tension within and i just couldn't contain the tears welling up. i had to let it all go, suck it in and straighten up my back. a minute or two of just crying over it in the ladies room did the therapy. there's no enemy, only the overwhelming sense of pressure. wiping my tears, clearing my vision i just know i have to move along. if i give up, there will be no victory for me. if i let this defeat me, there is no real growth taking place. i am not tough. i only strive to get better each day. today is a fork in the road. i choose to follow the one that may offer more obstacles up ahead but will surely teach me the value of not giving up.

i will honor today by taking one more step. forward.

the awesome little things

I love my work. I love my life. I do. But every once in a while I'd get cramped up with routines and deadlines. And it's a constant struggle not to get defeated, instead to rise above it and shine. My fight to survive led me to my colorful romance with pens, notebooks, stickers, washy tapes, post its, construction papers, beads, crayons, pencils  and more pens :) They just make me so happy. Recently, going through another bout of crampiness [cramp+grumpiness] I wanted to explore other stuffs. Something creative, something that can perk up the other side of my brain. I turned to writing for some solace but the blank screen keeps staring back at me with the cursor impatiently waiting for the keys to move, ready to scream me off if only he could talk. I gave up and looked up to heaven again to plead what He has to say.

I'll skip the part on how it all started but just very recently I got interested in looking at photographs. Particularly those that awaken a certain spark of gratitude and inspiration in me. And I'm even more interested to learn how to tell a story through what I see. This new found interest fills my veins with enthusiasm and my head with endless ideas. I am excited once again to wake up and open my eyes, to pause and savor, to take slow steps and enjoy the sights. It has added a new flavor to my prayer life. Everywhere I turn, all I see is beauty. And it brings me back to the Source of everything who can delight my soul even with the minutest thing. It's like being blessed once again with a pair of new eyes to see and appreciate the little details. I hope one day, I can be able to show you the best way possible what I see and how it has blessed me. The sharing part is what excites me more. Let me just have time to learn a few skills before I can let you all in on it :) In as much as I was blessed by how a life is lived, I pray in my own little way I can also spread some inspiration to thank God who made all these things possible. Who am I that you should love me? But I cannot argue. I am loved. And  every second is an opportunity to love God in return. Simply by celebrating the awesome little things. 

my firsts :)

Love. A bit can carry you through an extra mile.

photo editing try outs :)

on my 2nd day of learning some photo editing skills :)

pretty lil things part 2

my elixir

this pen made my day :)

Miss-ings

I miss my stickers

I miss my colored pens

I miss reading a book and highlighting a quote

I miss writing about nothing

I miss the scent of fresh mornings

I miss the sunlight

I miss my Saturdays

pick and roll

pick and roll

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

9:12 AM

I am not  a basketball fan (nor a sports fan in general :) ). I am oblivious to the terms and rules the game applies. In a male-dominated workplace, I'd get woozy over high spirited conversations involving games and plays. Men from the top down to the ranks speak like its all in a basketball game. Seemingly coded, I cannot disregard the intensity each word contains and the effect it brings to the men (and very few women) out in the field. Today is no exception. The boss just sent an email with a "pick and roll" message. To catch up, thank God there's Google :) Quoting from Wikipedia;

The pick and roll (also called screen and roll or shortened to screen roll, any of which may be hyphenated) in basketball is an offensive play in which a player sets a screen (pick) for a teammate handling the ball and then slips behind the defender (rolls) to accept a pass. In the NBA, the play came into vogue in the 1990s and has developed into the league's "bread and butter".[1] Pasted from <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pick_and_roll>

For a moment I forgot about the pending message I need to reply to. I got drawn into visualizing (with Google photos haha...) the new phrase I learned and how it relates to me. What prevails is my current work situation wherein most often I would feel weighed down because of the tasks that never seem to dwindle. Overwhelmed might be apt for the moment. Before I get on with this, let me say honestly that I love what I do. I firmly believe in my heart this work is a gift. In here I am able to maximize my potential, do away with idleness and hone skills I never knew I can do. Not only in the work per se but how it affects my personal life as well. Of course, part of the gift is the responsibility to care for it. But more than what it is to me, is how it is for my colleagues who labor each day. At least to what I can see. I am a witness to their dedication and hard work. I can readily pinpoint those who would sacrifice much of their personal time just to shoot a few more goals to move the game. These men rarely get to see the sun set as they fix their gaze on their monitors, one on one with *Clarity in a do-or-die-end-of-day match, just so the numbers come clean and hefty at the strike of seven. Bahala ug mamuti na ang screen ug mata sa kadugay :)  At times, unintentional but integral to the work, one gets elbowed by the other and the heat goes high. At the end of the day, when everything settles down, each would say "part of the game" and moves along. Enduring the scorching heat, weathering heavy rains and surviving internal pressures these people take it one day at a time, one challenge after another. They console themselves with a cup of coffee and a few jokes on the side to keep going. When time permits for a short pause, they would share in bits how their family thrives. Men, I realize always have a soft spot for their children. And all hardships get light and bearable when the family they value the most come across their thoughts. It's not even about the pay anymore, although admittedly it's what we all aspire for, but for the person that sits across us and the many others in their respective work stations across our side of the Island. To each, they readily became the player who "picks" giving the other colleague the floor to set up a play and "rolls" to receive the pass for a shoot. There are no longer star players, we only have team mates. For each play, everyone banks on each other to deliver one great game. One day at a time.

Gutsy and tenacious team in Mindanao. That's how we were tagged when we closed the recent May with a whooping dunk. But we are still far even from half-time. We cannot sit comfortably and let the muscle pains get hold of us. We have a game to win.

because we are One

because we are One

Monday, May 19, 2014

9:05 AM

because we are One

The recent weekend was a blast. Together with 28 other singles from KSD Community, I went to a fun-tastic summer outing in Iligan City (and beyond :) see pix for elaboration). With the full support and consistent encouragement from our District leaders, the singles' outing was finally pushed through. To fully grasp the exhortation to cultivate single life within the Community, I wanted to have a deeper sense of understanding of the state of life we presently live out. Other than the obvious definition of the word - Not married or related to the unmarried state, I found some helpful synonyms;  One, Individual, Undivided, Unity.

This season in our lives, we are blessed with the precious time to know best who we are. Our identities take shape into the mold our Creator has designed us to become.  The stage is set for us to fully express our God-given identities. While we enjoy the comforts of home, the nurturing of our parents and the guidance of our community, we get to exercise the disciplines of discernment and handling responsibilities. When we want to engage into any endeavor, it gets our undivided attention. How we fare today reflects much about the future we build. Intrinsic to what we are now dictates who we will be someday. All the more, while we are still young and single, we must be in unity with our true selves, with our God. Inconsistency is un-acceptable. We can't possibly say we want to love the Lord and refuse to accept and take responsibility over our state of lives at the same time. Someday soon, if not already is now, we will each be taking in significant roles that will shape our own families and the entire society. Let's contribute. Let's stay young and joyful. You (and me) are not just single. You are that One person who can make a difference. And you know  exactly how to do that while having  the time of your (single) life.

strings attached

strings attached

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

2:10 PM

I have the tendency to store up things I don't necessarily need. It took years for me to unlearn bit by bit this habit. Some easier to let go, others harder to part with. I make it a point to do my de-cluttering ritual once a year, either during my birthday or Christmas.  Something in the act gives me a sense of calm and accomplishment. Letting go of my stash somehow gives me a certain feel of spiritual cleansing. And it's always a happy drug for me. Apt for new beginnings.

I am not your regular home organizer therefore a one-time general cleaning is all I can manage :)  I'd wonder how I manage to keep so many. Receipts I wanted to keep to remember dates, wrappings because they're pretty, boxes because they might come in handy. The list continues. Some proved to be useful in time of need, most left forgotten as soon as stacked. I have the same attitude towards life.  In 2003, I took up a course in Professional  Education. I didn't plan on teaching, I just wanted a diversion  from my work. Thirteen years passed, only my filed Transcript bears my name. Other than that, I just practically shelved it away until the credentials got invalid. Same scenario happened in 2012. The tone deaf me just one day bought a guitar and took guitar lessons. It was supposedly easy. I just need to properly hold the guitar, strum then play. Much to my surprise the Music teacher first asked me to count and tap harmoniously. Repeatedly. And I never felt so uncoordinated in my entire life.  It took some courage to admit I was really offbeat. So the guitar has to be shelved, too. Among the many others, I seem to have grown a pattern of getting into some things I knew beforehand I was not apt for. At the expense of time, money and some even with emotional investments. The more costly a decision is made, the harder it is to part with. Most wasteful, too.

Tomorrow, I will let go of the guitar. Thankfully not to waste but to a sister-samaritan who can play beautiful music through it. At last my guitar can find peace and a real home. This parting reminds me more, the next time I engage into and welcome something in my life, I better be certain I will be able to use it well and not put it to waste. Else, it'll be just another unplayed guitar.

the Sun and the Tree

the Sun and the Tree

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

7:51 AM

Once upon a time there were two best friends. One is Sun and the other Tree. They loved to play and do things together all day. They run up the hill, swim in the lake and pick up berries from the field. One bright morning, Sun and Tree went out to play and were having so much fun. Along their way, Sun asked Tree "Will you go and leave me someday?". To this Tree readily replied, "Never. I shall not."  And off they went to see an old cave to play hide and seek. The second time Sun asked Tree  "Will you go and leave me someday?". Again, Tree replied, "Never. I shall not."

Now it was Sun's turn to be the it. She counted one to ten and Tree went off looking for the best place to hide. Alone and counting, Sun was unaware that behind her the monster Night was sneaking up to get hold of her. And he was getting nearer, closer to Sun who still kept counting. "...seven...eight...nine…"

Meanwhile, Tree went out too far to hide. From where he hid, a silvery blue bird landed and gave him a curious look. Then it flew away leaving an awestruck Tree following closely. The bird flew far away but Tree won't give up the chase. Both tired from flying and chasing, they come to a halt. The now annoyed silvery blue bird asked Tree, "Why do you keep chasing me?". "Because you keep flying away", Tree replied. "Can you be my friend?" Tree further asked. "I don't want to be your friend. Go away!". Sadly, Tree turned his back and started walking away. The bird felt sorry for being mean but was too proud to call back and apologize. Sulking, Tree kept sighing and wondering why the bird won't let him be his friend. In a far distance, he heard a faint cry calling his name. "Sun!", he suddenly remembered. It was already getting dark.

Captured and dragged, Sun tried so hard to free herself from the claws of the Night. She begged and cried. "Please let me go. My friend will be sad if he comes back and find me gone". "Let your friend be. I have some good use of you. I will lock you up in the Sky together with the Stars. You will be my possession and no one can take you back" Night roared. And so, Night took Sun away and carried her up into the sky, far from the reach of anyone. He put on a chain in Sun's ankle and told her to stay put. Alone and afraid, Sun cried herself to sleep.

Tree was already too late. Nowhere in sight can he find his friend. He was so sad and sorry that he did not move and leave. He wanted to stay in the same spot thinking that Sun might return one day. Many days passed , the sorrowful friend kept bowing his head and punishing himself for leaving his friend. Up in the sky, Sun sees her friend in a sad plight. She begged and begged the Night to let her go. Still Night wouldn't let her.One day, when Night went out, secretly she found a crack in the sky. There she found her way to peek in and look down upon her sorrowful friend. But she couldn't go farther. Her chain was too strong to loosen. Every day she made an attempt to escape, opening up more cracks to make her way out. Night soon discovered what was Sun up to. Furious, he cast a spell on his captive. "Because you want so much to escape from the Sky, I shall let you have your way. But! No one can ever look at you. You will be so bright that anyone looking at you will go blind. And to your friend I will cast a spell as well. Because he won't ever move away, I will let him grow roots and leaves. He can never run and play again. And when you are gone, he will die."

And so it happened. Since then, as each day begins, the Sky would crack up and the Sun will come out. The Tree down below raises up his head and greets his old friend. And then all sorrows melt away and  a new day of adventure begins. One day the Sun asked the Tree "Why did you not move away?". The third time the Tree replied, " because I told you I will never go and leave you".

Proving Identities

Proving Identities

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

7:52 AM

An "identity" is a tautology, an equation or statement that is always true, no matter what. For instance,sin(x) = 1/csc(x) is an identity. To "prove" an identity, you have to use logical steps to show that one side of the equation can be transformed into the other side of the equation. You do not plug values into the identity to "prove" anything. 

Pasted from <http://www.purplemath.com/modules/proving.htm>

I was not a brilliant Math student but I was a good student studying Math :)

Still, I managed to enjoy some and survived all subjects required for me to graduate the course. In the 13 years that passed, I mastered my pluses and minuses with a bit of multiplications & divisions on the side. MDAS is a mighty weapon for everyday living :D (I surely hope my Professors are not reading this. Else they might file a petition to withdraw my grades. Tsk!)

In our Junior year, we took up Trigonometry. That was about the same time I already kept asking myself whether I was in a wrong place or perhaps in a wrong time. I couldn't fathom why my classmates who would not even take notes ace the exams while I who would copy down the last equation could barely move to item number 2 in our quizzes. I've never felt life to be so unfair. Huhu...Then one morning, when the books were out and the  Prof begun scribbling on the board, I got smitten by a kindred spirit staring back at me. Our lesson that day was Pythagorean Identities. Even to this day, it amazes me how I managed to love and look forward to that topic. And I got correct answers in all quizzes, too! Yep! You read it right, no typographical errors here :D  Man, that was such a mystery. Haha...Let me warn you though, that subtopic only lasted for a week. And we met again only in the Finals. I think I got 2 or 3 questions right of the 50 that we were given. Thanks to my ehem..excellence  with the Identities. Even as I write, I couldn't help suppressing a smile. It was such a pleasant memory; like an oasis in the dessert at the time when I could barely finish the course.

Moving forward, to this present time, somehow the lessons move out from the classroom into the realities of life. Growing up was, and still is, never easy.  I had to put up with a lot of identity crises, playing one role to the next, always trying to fit in. Always trying to be the good neighbor, the good friend, the good sister, the good daughter. What I thought would be good, or would be good in the eyes of my imaginary audience, I readily plugged into my system. Like a trial and error method of taking values of the x's and y's of my life equations. In the end, I got tangled with hypothetical solutions. Slow  maybe, yet, guided by divine grace, growth became a beautiful and happy process. I am no longer in front of all sorts of audience, I am with my loved ones. I need not be good, I only have to do my best for the people  who love and accept me just the way I am. When I was called into this life to be holy, it was to be true first and foremost to my self, of who I am and what am I here for. An understanding where reason meets faith. Always, our dear Professor, Dr. Luna would say "Be guided with logic. Use your common sense". We used to laugh about it and joke about a common sense that is not so common. Truly, even in our walk of faith, always we must be guided by logic. After all, isn't God the most logical and sensible? Even in the midst of a great mystery, always the human mind, touched by divine wisdom, gets to comprehend what is beyond understanding. With our spiritual eyes opened the one truth withheld to many who refuse to see gets revealed. Only in unity with our Creator will we ever find who we are. Only then can the image of man and God be one and the same.

little shepherds in distress

little shepherds in distress

Monday, May 12, 2014

1:01 PM

He flees because he is a hireling and cares nothing for the sheep. I am the good shepherd; I know my own and my own know me, as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep. John 10:13-15

How often have I entrusted my life to a mere hireling. Every time I get attracted to the glitz and promises of the wordly things, I’d get excited and fixated. I readily let go of the arms that hold me still and run away from the source of real security. Only when I stumble and hurt my knee do I get back to my senses and start looking back. Such a pain yet I seem not to learn. But still, always, I find the Lord’s loving arms ready to receive me back and walk on with me. Without even a need to say anything, He readily understands what I cannot say out of too much guilt and humiliation. With a loving look and a smile that says “I understand”, He wipes away my shame.

As we move along, I can’t help but think about the false shepherds in my life, the hirelings who did not really care. They were up and proud when all was bright. When the storm set in, like a puff of smoke, they vanish in thin air. I am often ready to judge and condemn, but perhaps today calls for a different choice. My Shepherd is out looking for the lost. Perhaps I am called to do the same. Aren’t we all hirelings with the natural tendency to save our own skin in the presence of danger? Aren’t we all capable of denying the Lord, more than three times in our lifetime? Have I not, at some point, been false and selfish?

But before I run and play the role, it may be best to remind myself that before I can share in the Shepherd’s task, I may first need to refuse to be a hireling. To labor not for money but to share in the love of the Shepherd. Being true and dependable requires more than enough strength to fulfill. It is not a task for the faint-hearted. To the many who failed, including me, surely the Lord continues to seek and find. That He may bring all back to His Kingdom.

In full circle

11 May 2014

6:58PM

I’ve put off writing a bit longer than I intend. Perhaps it was because of the corporate hustles I had to contend with every day.  Some battles you need to fight not just to survive but to let others take their chance of living as well. And I take that to heart. Or perhaps it was the loss of words to describe that part of my world unseen to most people, known only to few who understood. Or better yet, perhaps, silence was the best thing to do when you are uncertain of many things.

Today, I stepped out to watch the flowers of May in bloom, to smile at strangers along my path and looked up to heaven to say thanks. The mornings are never been better; the familiar scent of crisp freshness, the soft kiss of the sunrise and the familiar track that meets my feet. Even as I write, when letters form into words and distance comes into a close, I see a familiar face looking back at me. I have come home.

Most things have gone full circle now. It’s time to embark on a new beginning.

(posted first in FB)