sporadic

i am sick. i recently acquired a dreaded disease and it's called chronic sporadic.

one day i am flying high with euphoria, the next day i am sulking in distress.
one minute my head is bursting with ideas, the moment next i am totally blank.
one second i worry to the extreme, the next snap i get numb of caring less.

the more i am aware of my condition, the more exasperated  i'd get.
focus has become so fleeting at the very time i need it most.
i have a career to keep flying (char!dili man gud ga-take off hehehe),
a family to spend more quality time (truly).
and community service i keep failing at (there is still so big a room to grow).
i have the time, the energy and inspiration yet i lose balance because of my constant shifts.
this is not an insanity case. blah! does this come with age? i thought that one is called wisdom.
right now, i am nowhere near that category. is this lack of sense of accomplishment? hmmm...hold it right there! i might be pressing the right button here so i better keep going before i will lose this insight again :(

i wanted so many things to happen in my life. yet, before i could even take off, i count too long to realize that they are so impossible and i let them go. instantly. to get my feet back on the ground and start afresh, i moved along to simpler things i want to have in life. then years fly so fast, and i found myself not achieving enough - even with the simpler things i wanted in life. this can't be, i tell myself. then i go back to the impossibles for some dose of endorphins enough to get me excited and put my acts together and start moving again. really moving. even writing this makes me tired and want to move along to other things. huh! now you see where i am coming from and where this is going. i wish to leave with you a lesson or two but i have none. that is not even surprising. what good can there be out from gibberish talk and swaying thoughts?

risk. fear or courage.
adventure. seek or hide.
solution. implement or conform.
create. plan or make.
love. take or give.

random thoughts from a wellspring of dreams and aspirations. tick tock.
ten starts counting with one. a journey begins with a step. i gotta move. time flies so fast.
i cannot and can never have them all. perhaps, it is best and wise, to take it one at a time. finish the race and keep going before i begin another one. aim for the finish line. to keep one track and keep going. consider anything else mere distraction.

what am i racing for again? duh!

i am really not making any sense, am i? it's okay, told you i am sick ;)

disconnect

i was having a fun time weekend with friends so close i consider as my second family when i felt a strong nudge within - something was amiss.

i was there but not really present.
i was laughing but not really happy.
i was at home but did not feel welcomed. by my very own self.

love is a constant thing to work at. so many times i knew i had it. and i am living by it. to me, it's never a mystery but is a reality. and that reality i breathe in and out every day. that day was  no exemption. i was supposedly basking in an ocean of love surrounding me. i almost felt panic creeping over me when i couldn't point a finger on what was happening to me. i was distant. disconnected.

turning my panic into prayer, i called on to the Lord for His word. "love in spite of..."

my love was incomplete. it was conditional. the love i had was because i deserved it. and when other people refused to love me in return by rejecting my friendship, seeking more than what i can give and excluding me in their lives, i did not care. when it was difficult, i stopped. when it required to give more, i gave up. and i did not want to be bothered by it because i felt i had enough. enough to make a room for myself and my pride.

but happiness is never complete when love is exclusive. because i was not full, i failed to be whole and present to those who built a home for me. even for my very self. in the middle of laughter and friendship, i became an alien to my own happiness. i lost it the moment i claimed it mine, all mine. i lost it when i failed to give it away. i was exactly where i should be, and i understood. but more than understanding, i am supposed to give. love was never mine in the first place. it was a precious gift given to me, not because i deserved it but because i was in need of it. that was the only way for me to live. and i stopped living the moment i stopped loving. for real. that point, that disconnect directed me towards this truth.